The Bathroom
by DopamineLover
Summary: Series of shorts (more or less) that take place or start in the adjoined bathroom between Captain's and First Officer's Quarters. What mess can Captain James T. Kirk possibly get into there? No slash. Tarsus warnings. Rated M because I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

Spock is pulled out of his meditation when he hears a loud thud. Strange, it sounded as if it came from the bathroom Spock shares with the captain. He could still hear the sound of the shower running, but no more noises indicating movement could be heard, unlike before. Spock rises gracefully from his position on the floor and makes his way to the bathroom door. Spock knocks twice and says through it, "Captain are you alright?" However, he gets no response and hears no attempts to move to either door from Jim. He tries again. "Captain?" Silence. "Jim?" No response. Now he becomes concerned. "Jim, I am entering now". Spock turns the door handle and carefully peaks his head in.

He looks around to find Jim unconscious in the shower. Jim was propped uncomfortably in the corner of the shower stall. So that was the noise he had previously heard. He rushes to his knees by Jim's side to check for a pulse. Jim is still alive; blood is pumping through his veins.

"Captain. Captain. Jim…Jim, wake up. ", Spock attempts to shake him awake, but to no avail. Taking out his communicator, Spock calls Dr. McCoy. "Spock to Dr. McCoy".

"McCoy here. What's the matter, Spock?"

"Doctor, it is imperative that you arrive in the shared bathroom between the Captain's quarters and mine."

"What is it? What did the damn kid do now?"

"The Captain has lost consciousness and will not respond to outside stimulus. He also seems to be labored in his breathing"

"Damnit, Jim. I'll be there in two, Spock."

"Affirmative, Doctor. Spock out". Spock flips the communicator closed and slips it back into his pocket. He asses Jim's situation again, wondering what had caused the captain's collapse. Jim's skin was sickly white like a sheet, which is really concerning Spock. Spock reaches up and turns the shower off, only now realizing that Jim was still wearing his uniform. Fascinating. He grabs a towel just as he hears Dr. McCoy walking into the bathroom, no doubt having used his medical override codes to gain entrance from Jim's room.

"Dammnit, Jim", Dr. McCoy says once he catches sight of Jim. He walks past Spock and into the shower stall where he crouches down in front of Jim with his medical tricorder out. He scans his best friend with a scowl on his face. He then lifts Jim's gold command and black undershirt up to reveal a large, angry rash beginning to grow on Jim's torso. "Damn, he's having an allergic reaction. But I don't know if it's from a food or the vaccine I had to give him."

"Doctor", Spock inquires, "when did you administer the drug to Jim?"

"I dunno, two hours ago, still possible for him to react to with his messed up immune system and the low amount I gave him", McCoy continues to evaluate Jim.

"I believe he is reacting to the hypospray you administered. The Captain has not eaten in 5.87 hours, the time which he was on the bridge and then Sickbay".

"Tricorder says that too. Spock, you gotta help me get Jim to Sickbay", Leonard says as he puts away the tricorder and grabs his communicator. "McCoy to Chapel. I need a biobed ready for the Captain. And epinephrine on standby."

"Understood, Doctor", Nurse Christine Chapel responds, all too familiar with the procedure of dealing with Jim and his many allergies. "IV unit and sedative as well?"

"Just IV and keep a triox ready. Add an oxygen mask to that."

"Understood. We'll be ready for you Len" and Nurse Chapel cuts the line to gather the requested supplies.

"Spock, carry Jim to Sickbay. You'll be quicker", Dr. McCoy orders Spock in a way that left no room for Spock's opinion. Spock grabs the Captain under his knees and under his neck with the other arm, in bridal style. Spock is surprised at how light the Captain is. He had expected him to be much heavier. However, he is annoyed at how wet the captain is, as it is slowly seeping into his own uniform.

Dr. McCoy leads the way down the hall and into the Turbolift with Spock right on his heels. Eventually they rush into MedBay where Christine has everything ready at the biobed Jim usually stays in. M'Benga is waiting by the door for Leonard and Spock, with epinephrine ready for Jim. M'Benga inserts the hypo into Jim's thigh as Spock continues quickly to Jim's biobed. Spock gently lowers Jim to the biobed where the monitors come to life. Doctor McCoy and Doctor M'Benga begin to work on Jim once Spock steps back to give them room to do so. They administer triox to the captain, whose oxygen saturation levels were extremely low due to his throat swelling. Spock watches and does not interfere with the doctors and Nurse Chapel.

Eventually (17.9 minutes later), Jim is stable and intubated; a more extreme situation than McCoy had originally expected. Spock took the chair next to Jim and watches as Jim's chest rises and falls due to the machine he is hooked up to. Dr. McCoy is on the other side of Jim's bed, reading the monitors for any change in Jim's condition, but really, he just can't leave his best friend.

HurtJimHurtJimHurtJimHurtJimHurtJimHurtJim

Jim wakes up to quite the headache. It's the first thing he registers before the monotonous humming of a machine beside him. Then, Jim feels the plastic down his throat. No matter how many times he has felt the same tube down his throat to help him breathe, it still frightens him. His eyes snap open and he starts choking on the contraption that's helping him breathe. He wildly looks around to find Bones or M'Benga or even Chapel. Instead he first finds Spock next to his biobed. He reaches out and grabs Spock's hand, trying to get the man's attention. Spock looks at him in extreme worry. Right, touch telepath. Jim wasn't thinking when he grabbed him, he is too freaked out. Thankfully, Spock understands what is happening just when a biobed alarm goes off, warning that Jim isn't taking in enough oxygen.

"Captain, you must calm down", Spock warns Jim. Calm down! How do you stay calm when you aren't breathing for yourself! Jim just shakes his head with wide eyes. "Jim, you MUST. Calm. Down", Spock firmly warns Jim, just as Doctor McCoy appears. But Jim is overtaken with feelings of safety and calmness. Strange, but they really are comforting, better than panic any day.

"Jim! Jim! Calm down, man. I need you to cough on three. Ready?" Jim nods but still has the remains of panicked eyes. "One, two, three!" Jim coughs as hard as he can as Bones pulls the tube out of Jim's throat. Jim hates the feeling of the plastic scraping his esophagus, but would rather it out than in. He's left weezing for air once it's out as he's still coughing from the feeling. A hand reaches towards Jim's face with an oxygen mask. Bones, probably. Jim is so caught up coughing that he can't even object to the mask. Bones secures the strap around Jim's head as Jim breathes in the sweet oxygen on his own. He vaguely registers that Bones is rubbing his back in efforts to calm down his breathing. Well, it worked. "Jim", Bones starts, "lay down, I know you're exhausted". And Jim did so, seeing as he was indeed too exhausted to refuse.

"Captain," Spock inquires, "are you alright?" Jim nods.

"Sorry for grabbing your hand", Jim manages to hoarsely get out as he finally releases the Vulcan.

"Apologies are unnecessary, Captain. You were in distress and were in no condition to do anything otherwise." Jim can only nod again as he lays on the biobed, utterly exhausted. "Infact, it was rather beneficial. As you could not calm down on your own, I projected feelings of safety and calmness through touch telepathy to you."

"Alright, Jim. You need to stay in Medical for awhile, and you need to sleep. I'm going to give you a sedative — one of the few you're not allergic to — so that you can get some shut eye", Bones tells Jim in his comfortingly gruff manner. Again, Jim nods his approval and hears the hiss of a hypospray as his eyes close on their own. He's glad that the whole ordeal is over, but is even happier to have his friends with him.


	2. Chapter 2: Troubles from a Mother

**Hi Guys! Hope you enjoy this chapter. This was my first fan fiction, and I must say that I was stunned with the overwhelming support I got from some of you (especially equine 14– thank you so very much for the offer. I have some ideas right now, but I'd love some advice and/or ideas. Thank you so much). Thank you guys for making my first fan fiction writing experience such a great one. Hope to continue to hear from you (your comments make me write faster).**

"Captain", Spock begins to inquire as he and Jim walk to Jim's quarters for their evening chess match. "May I inquire as to what Admiral Pike spoke to you about during your private call?" Jim had taken the call in his ready room mere minutes before the end of shift, and came out looking pale and shaken, something Spock rarely witnesses. Even though he would never admit it, he was concerned for his friend.

Jim sighs, but answers, "It's complicated, Spock." Too bad it's not really that complicated at all. He'd just rather not talk about it.

"Perhaps you can explain during our chess match?" Jim pauses after that and ponders. He might as well tell Spock as a friend and First Officer, seeing as Spock already saw through his first lie of the evening.

"Sure. During chess", Jim says as he enters his room with Spock following behind him. "The set's over there", Jim points to the top of his dresser, "let me grab some water", as Jim walks to the replicator in his room. They each return to the set of chairs and the small table they acquired specifically for their matches, with their respective items. They sit and begin to set up the board.

"Captain—"

"Jim, Spock. We're off duty."

"Very well. Jim, what did you and Admiral Pike converse over?" Jim sighs in response. He _really_ doesn't want to tell Spock. Maybe he'd tell Bones, but Spock? He just wouldn't understand all of the emotions behind the situation. Or really, the lack there of.

"Honestly, Spock, I'd rather not talk about it if I had the choice still." Jim makes his first move on the board. "It wasn't anything pleasant…", Jim trails off, lost in his own mind. Spock lets this happen when he makes his move on the board, but is concerned when Jim doesn't make his.

"Jim?" Spock asks devoid of emotion in his voice. Jim flinches back to reality.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. Went off in my head, I guess. Sorry about that."

"Apologies are unnecessary, but I must inquire if you are well enough to continue our game", Spock tells him. Jim laughs and Spock recognizes it as the captain's first form of defense in the facade he so often wears when things become too close to home.

"I'm fine. Happens to us humans. Have you ever wandered off into space?" Jim is genuinely curious. Maybe his oh-so-perfect Vulcan first officer experiences some sort of fault due to his human side.

"I do not believe I understand, Jim. We are currently in space." Again, Jim laughs, Spock having succeeded in his attempts to make Jim feel more comfortable, and Jim failing to find fault in Spock.

"I swear you do that on purpose, Spock", Jim tells him in between his laughter. Whoever said Vulcans can't have a sense of humor?

"Jim, it is currently your turn", Spock gestures with his eyes to the chess board, ignoring Jim's comment. Jim nods and takes his turn. Then Spock makes his, and Jim retaliates with his own. "Jim, you still have not answered my previous query", Spock eyes his captain who sighs in defeat after remembering the question.

"I forget how good Vulcan memory is. Well, Pike called because Winona passed away last night."

"I do not know who 'Winona' is", Spock interjects.

"Then you're lucky. Winona is—was my mother", Jim says as he focuses on the wall behind Spock.

"I do not understand. You call her Winona and not 'mother' or some variation of the term?", Spock asks, actually confused. Sometimes Jim Kirk really puzzles him.

"Winona was my mother only because she gave birth to me. She was never there. She didn't care for me. She couldn't look at me; wouldn't look at me. But, Sam… Well, I guess I never had a mother and she never had a second child."

"You have an older brother? By the name of Sam?"

"Yea, Sam got Dad's name, George Samuel Kirk, but I got his looks and personality. Winona couldn't deal with the mini version of her dead husband around. She probably thought that Dad was dead because of me. As he died, I was born. I know that's what I think…", Jim trails off in thought. "And then she left us with that jerk, Frank. She didn't care. Sam ran off. And when I became too much she sent me to T—to another planet with her sister. Came back after that and she _still_ didn't want me. Lived with Frank again, left again and roamed around 'till Pike found me in that bar." Jim takes a moment to remember his dead father figure. All of his parental figures have slipped away between his fingers like water, and there's nothing he can do about it. Acknowledging the thought for pondering on later, Jim continues his explanation.

"She didn't want me in Starfleet, even though she was an officer prior to my recruitment. After Nero and Khan, she was so mad that I was doing exactly what my father did. She called me for the first time in years right after Vulcan to tell me that I was a disgrace. What a woman…" Jim looks sadder as he continues, "And I didn't have the heart to end the call. I just took the insults as if I was a kid again. I accepted it like it was true…"

"So", Jim continued, "she passed away and I'm not really sure what to do. I mean, I'm going to the funeral and the wake, maybe I'll see Sam again. Maybe he's got a wife. Maybe kids. But, I feel like I should be sad that she's gone, and I'm not. But I'm sad about that." Jim continues to stare at the floor, as if Spock really isn't there. Then he gets up and unsteadily walks to their joined bathroom without shutting the door closed. The tap turns on, and Jim is splashing himself vigorously with ice cold water while breathing deeply.

Spock rises and makes his way over to Jim, who is gripping the counter with white knuckles and has his head bowed. Spock can only assume that Jim is attempting to control his breathing, but failing miserably. Spock analyzes Jim and is utterly fascinated. The captain seems to be in a state of panic despite the calm situation.

"Jim?" Spock asks. Clearly, Jim doesn't hear him.

"Jim", Spock finally catches Jim's attention. Jim's eyes are ridden with fear, but he seems to have returned to the present. Spock hadn't noticed he'd left. "Jim? Are you alright?"

"Yea, Spock. Just give me a minute here", Jim replies and continues to work on his breathing. Then he splashes more water on his face, and drinks some of it directly from the faucet. Again, he grips the counter with his head down, letting the water drip off into the sink instead of his now drenched shirt.

"Sorry there, Spock". Jim shakes his head and wipes his face with his hands.

"There is no need to apologize, Jim. Though I do not understand your state of panic".

"Oh. Uh — it's just some bad memories come to haunt me. Just needed some air. Sorry". Jim finds a towel and dries his face off before taking off his gold command shirt, leaving him in his black undershirt. He balls up the shirt and drops it onto the floor, just not in the mood to be organized or care.

"Jim, I must insist that you cease apologizing for events not under your control and for ones that do not require an apology. It is illogical", Spock tells his captain. "Jim, may I ask what the memories resurfaced were?" Jim sighs. He knows he should tell Spock. He just doesn't want to. Maybe he can stay cryptic enough just to appease Spock. Probably won't work, but Jim isn't going to go down without fighting.

"My childhood", Jim responds.

"There are events in your early years that would trigger a panicked response from you even now?", Spock doubtfully asks Jim. Damn. And with that, Jim knows he's been caught. He'll have to answer truthfully, or Spock won't get off his back. He'll just have to avoid the whole damn thing.

"Yea. Listen, Spock, I really don't want to talk about it. It's a lot to handle. And I'd rather not compromise my emotions any more than they are by picking that scab. Not that thinking of Winona won't do that…"

"You are not thinking of your mother?" Damn. Jim's cornered.

"Uh. No, Spock. I'm not", Jim replies. Why! Why couldn't Spock just leave it alone. He'd said he'd rather not talk about it. Jim sits down on the toilet lid, and rests his face in his hands and his arms on his knees.

"Spock, I'm telling you I don't want to talk about it. At least not now. I told you what you wanted to know". God, he can't handle this now. He really can't. With Winona's death already ailing him, he sure as hell can't think about Frank, or his time off planet. It's just too much all at once.

"Indeed you did. And I am grateful for your cooperation and trust", Spock says as he lowers to sitting on his heels in front of Jim, "but I am concerned for your health, Jim". Why won't Jim tell him what is ailing him? Spock may never fully understand James T. Kirk.

"Jim", Spock offers, "I find myself not wishing to continue our match. Perhaps tomorrow we could complete the game?" Wow. Vulcans do care. Jim can't believe it. How would Spock have known he just needs to calm down now? Maybe Jim doesn't want to know…

"That's fine Spock. I feel the same. I just need to calm down right now".

Woa, he's dizzy. How? He's sitting down already. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush, or blood pressure, or the remaining symptoms from his last concussion. But it's probably because of his mini panic attack. Then Jim feels Spock gently pushing his head down between his knees. How did Spock know he was dizzy? Did he look dizzy? He must've looked it. Spock continues to keep Jim's head gently held down, which is good since Jim would've bolted up after the original help, making things worse.

It feels like forever that he is dizzy. Well, for Jim it feels that way. To Spock it's merely 1.7 minutes, concerning, but definitely not forever. Eventually Jim feels good enough to raise his head again slowly. Spock's standing next to him and watching him incase more should go wrong.

"Jim, are you alright now?" Jim nods in response. "Perhaps we should relocate?" Again Jim nods. He takes a couple seconds before standing up. Bad idea. Jim almost falls to the floor, but Spock grips his elbow, steadying him. Gosh, Jim's so grateful that Spock is here. Otherwise he'd be in Sickbay for yet another concussion.

"Thanks Spock", Jim manages to say through the on-going dizziness. Finally it clears and Jim looks up at Spock again.

"Are you prepared, Jim?" He nods. "Very well", and Spock guides him to the couch in Jim's quarters. Jim sits down heavily, happy to be sitting once again. He lies down across the couch and covers his eyes with hands, trying to control his body.

"Thanks Spock. You don't have to stay, you know. I usually fall asleep after the dizziness assaults me", Jim tells his friend. He feels bad making him stay, but wants to have someone here with him. Just the presence of someone he knows cares for him might help patch the hole in his heart from Winona.

"If you do not have an opinion on the matter, Jim, I will stay here with you until such time", Spock tells him as he pulls up a chair from their chess table.

Jim was right. Having Spock here is making him forget about Winona just enough that he's not constantly thinking of their failed mother-son relationship. Which, he reminds himself, was not his fault, as she often said it was after disowning him those countless times. He'll come to terms with it, but until then, he's got Spock, and Bones, and Scotty, and Uhura, and Sulu, and Chekov, who will help him cope with the loss of a mother who was never there, and the terrors of his childhood that boiled down to her fault. With them, Jim might just come out stronger. This _is_ Jim Kirk we're talking about, after all.

 **Well, hope you guys like it! Let me know in the review section (I do read ALL of them). And I'll take all ideas for a next installment into consideration. XOXO Dopamine Lover.**


	3. Chapter 3: Coping with Memories

Spock is straightening his bed when the bathroom door opens on his side. Strange. Spock turns his head to find the captain standing in the door way, confused with his hand still on the door handle.

"Captain?", Spock questions. Jim's eyes dart to Spock, attempting to focus on his first officer. Realization seems to slowly hit Jim, and is replaced with embarrassment. His cheeks gain a twinge of pink.

"Sorry, Spock. Opened the wrong door." Spock does not miss the lack of explanation behind his error, but decides not to comment on it. "Don't even know why I was leaving", Jim chuckles, "Still have to brush my teeth". Spock stores that information as well. Usually, the Captain has an eidetic memory, despite his attempts to hide his extraordinary ability. "Sorry about that. I'll just close it", Jim says as he steps back in and carefully swings the door closed behind him.

"That is not necessary, Captain", Spock stops the Captain from shutting the door completely. Perhaps he can finish his morning routine as well, seeing as he is already off his preparatory schedule for alpha shift. "If it is no trouble to you, I would like to finish my preparation for the day as well." Jim looks at Spock with a face of confusion and disbelief.

"You mean you need to brush your teeth too?", Kirk asks bewildered.

"Essentially, yes, Captain." Spock confirms.

"Jim, Spock. We're off duty, so it's Jim."

"Very well, Jim." Jim just shakes his head in humor; Spock will never call him 'Jim' on his own volition, no matter how many times Jim drives the matter home.

Jim returns to his sink in the bathroom while Spock enters behind him. He stares at the bowl, sure that he was meant to be doing something. His eyebrows furrow and his arms cross as he attempts to search for the reason he's here. He _knows_ he's supposed to be here doing something or other.

"Jim?" Spock questions him for the second time in only five minutes. What a great way to start the day. Jim's concentration is interrupted and he looks up at the Vulcan. "Are you well?"

"Oh yea, fit as a fiddle. I just can't remember what I was doing here…" Jim trails off in thought again. It's on the tip of his tongue, but for the life of him, he can't figure it out. He looks back up at Spock who is studying him with his damn eyebrow raised to his hairline. Oh no, Spock only looks at him like that when something is wrong with him. What could he have possibly done this time! He hadn't seen the man for more than seven minutes today! So Jim counters his First Officer's stare with his own, and looks at what Spock's holding. Aha! Toothbrush and toothpaste! Jim's supposed to be brushing his teeth!

He jumps in realization and immediately grabs his own toothbrush and toothpaste, breaking his gaze. He wets the brush, applies the paste, and starts brushing. Then he looks in the mirror only to find two things. First, Spock is still staring at him, ignoring the toothbrush and toothpaste in his own hands. If this continues throughout the day, Jim might just go crazy. Second, his own face looks ghastly. He is pale, gaunt, and skinny. And there are large, dark circles under his eyes, looking as if he went a couple of rounds with a Klingon and got two saucer sized souvenirs around his eyes. The way he tiredly stands suggests that too. Now he knows what Spock was concerned about; his appearance is definitely concerning.

"Aren't you going to clean your teeth too?", Jim tries to snap Spock out of his observation of him. Spock hears him perfectly, but is more concerned on his captain's health than the what he is saying. Jim had clearly seen his own reflection. Spock believes Dr. McCoy would say the captain looked something like 'death warmed over', which after the incident with Khan, the phrase was no longer amusing when used in reference with their captain. So instead of answering Jim, he questions him again.

"Captain, you do not look well. Do you require medical assistance?", Spock tries first. He knows it's futile, Jim would refuse medical assistance even when critically injured.

"No. I'm fine. Don't mention it to Bones", Jim says smoothly despite the panic rising beneath, "I don't want to worry him. He'll find a paper cut and keep me in Sickbay for a week". Spock looks skeptical at Jim's response. Clearly, the captain was not 'fine', but he would never admit to such a thing. He'll just have to chip at the matter gradually throughout the day for Jim to see reason and logic. At the very least, Jim will tell Spock the truth of the matter.

"Very well", Spock lets the argument drop for the moment and begins to brush his own teeth.

Alpha shift passes by with many concerned glances from the crew pointed at their captain. And Jim is sick of it.

He's extremely happy to leave the bridge once shift is over. Today was rough, between the stares and lack of ability to concentrate, he felt tortured. How was he supposed to go through numerous reports when all he wanted to do was be alone in his quarters? Not to mention, the crew seemed affected with his appearance. He tried his best to seem his usual happy and energetic self, but with no food or sleep in awhile, he just couldn't find it in himself to really try. So when the beta shift crew comes up to take over, Jim wastes no time in making his way to the Turbo-lift. He was so pleased to have made it off the bridge that at first, he didn't notice Spock slipped in with him.

"Captain, will you join me for our usual lunch? I wish to bring some issues to your attention." Jim jumps. He didn't see or hear Spock come in. He's like a cat sometimes, a really annoying one that is, because there is nothing cute or cuddly about his stoic first officer.

Damn, Jim can't not go to lunch, or Spock will get suspicious. Plus, he needs to hear the issues about his ship that Spock has. That's more important than him trying (and failing) to sleep for more than an hour.

"Only if you call me Jim", he jokes, still trying to preserve what little bit of facade left from Alpha shift. Spock only nods in acceptance when the doors open and they walk to the mess hall. Jim and Spock get in line for food behind two crewmen. Damn, now Jim has to eat something. And he really doesn't feel like it. He knows that it'll just come up later. But he's _Jim Kirk_ , he can keep it down long enough, right? He just needs to keep the food down until he's in his quarters, and then it can come up of its own will. Still, the thought of eating and then his stomach's rejection is just not appealing in the least. Sighing, he stands up straight. He'd rather throw up any day than have to explain to Spock the reasons for not wanting to eat. Spock is in front of Jim, and takes a bowl of Plomeek soup. A bland, vegetable, and Vulcan soup. It's filled to the brim, but doesn't spill once while traveling from the galley to the table Spock chose.

Jim walks the line quickly and reaches the fruit section where he grabs a single apple. Maybe he can keep some of that down. He tosses it in his hand before walking to the table Spock is currently at. He sits down, trying to ignore the look Spock is giving him, no doubt for his choice of meal. Before Spock can comment on it, Jim starts talking, "So what were those issues you needed discussed Spock?"

"Mr. Scott need approval on some adjustments in Engineering he wishes to implement. He specifically requested your approval, saying that you would have the knowledge needed to decide appropriately. I believe he extended the offer of participating in the adjustments to you, Jim". Jim nods his head.

"I'll check in with him today. After lunch, actually", Jim responds.

"Jim, I do not believe an apple is sufficient as an entire meal", Spock abruptly changes the conversation on Jim. Jim's eyes look startled, like a frightened animal backed into a corner, but for only a split second. So quick that Spock questions whether he saw it at all, since it leaves as quick as it came.

"Just not really hungry right now Spock." Spock looks at Jim with an eyebrow raised, as if saying he isn't fooled that easily. But Spock drops the matter and waits for Jim to take a bite of his apple before continuing with his own Plomeek soup. Spock watches as Jim hesitates and eyes the apple, as if it was a Romulan aboard Nero's ship. Jim's shoulders sag minutely in resignation to his fate. He's not going to tell Spock that he can't eat right now. That it would be wrong for him to eat. That his stomach would purge itself. No. Jim steels himself and takes a bite out of the apple.

It tastes like ash. Ash and dirt and despair. But Jim chews and swallows while Spock continues with his Plomeek soup. Dammnit, he's _Jim Kirk_ , he saved Earth and is captain of the USS Enterprise. He should be able to eat a damn apple. But, then again, he never remembers the Kirk Luck. It's as if Jim smashed 50 mirrors while walking under several ladders indoors, with his umbrella open, and placed all the shoes he owned on a kitchen table when he was a kid. But he knows he was just born with bad luck, Kirk Luck, if you will.

So it is his luck that rats him out when the apple is almost finished. Jim swallows the ash and dirt of the apple, when he feels his stomach finally protest. And Jim can't quell it for long, even as he attempts to control his breathing. In and out, in and out, but the feeling rises higher up his stomach. And eating just feels so wrong. Jim stands up from the table, surprising Spock, and quickly walks out the room as nonchalantly as he could in such circumstances. Jim makes his way to his quarters, and barely has time to lock the doors behind him before he full out runs to the bathroom.

Jim flings open the bathroom door and drops in front of the porcelain, just in time for his mutinous stomach to expel its meager contents. After awhile, nothing more comes up, not even bile. He's just dry heaving, his stomach disgusted that he'd put food in it, no matter how tiny it was. And he wants it to stop, but it seems to go on forever. Instead, he feels a hand rubbing his back in circles. But he can't investigate now; he's trying to control his stomach through breathing, and his white knuckles prove that.

"Just let it out, kid" someone says behind him. After a couple seconds and the sound of a tricorder, Jim realizes it's Bones. He relaxes just a bit at the thought of his best friend here. He'll be ok. Bones hasn't failed him yet, not even during the Khan incident. Jim couldn't think of anyone else he'd rather have here. Bones already knows about Tarsus IV. No need to panic over it. Eventually, Jim is able to let go of the porcelain and lean back against the wall with Bones at his side.

"Jim, you look awful. What's been going on? What did you do this time?" Bones asks his best friend as he moves closer to him, offering Jim his shoulder as support.

"Wow. What a greeting. Is that any way to talk to your captain?", Jim tiredly says in between deep breaths.

"It is for idiot captains", Bones retaliates fondly.

"Geez. No need to be mean, Bones."

"You still haven't answered me, Jim. You're sick. What's been going on?", Bones asks. Jim sighs and wipes his faces with both hands. As if hands alone could rub away the exhaustion and ache he feels in his heart.

"I'm fine, Bones."

"Ok. Try again, Jim". Jim sends him a tired scowl and crosses his arms. In response, Bones takes out his tricorder and begins to read to Jim the ailments it had found. "You want to tell me why you haven't been eating?"

"Not particularly, no."

"How about the sleep deprivation?"

"I'll pass, thanks."

"Dammnit, Jim! This is serious! You can't expect to function without food or sleep for days! You have to tell me what's going on!" Jim sighs and buries his face in his hands, knowing the fight has been lost. He scrubs his face one more time and emerges as ready as he could be.

"I can't. My body just won't accept food right now. Whatever I eat, I just throw up again later."

"When was the last time you ate?" At this, Jim pauses.

"Lunch", he states. But McCoy knows him too well. Before today he hadn't eaten for over four days. And today's is in the pipes.

"Lunch when, Jim?"

"Lunch today. Spock was there. Ask him" Jim dismisses. But Bones angrily says to him, "do you know why I knew to come up here, Jim? Your damn hobgoblin came to my office saying you were having problems. Why can't you come tell me yourself? It's not a weakness to be human". Jim sighs.

"Indeed, Jim", a voice says next to him, startling Jim and sending adrenaline rushing into his veins. "I am sorry to have startled you"

"It's fine, Spock", Kirk says as he attempts to once again control his breathing, "I just didn't know you were there", Jim assures him. Then he turns to his best friend. "Do you know today's date Bones?", Jim asks quietly, surprising Bones in the quick change of conversation. Even though Bones won't let his argument die out, he'll at least humor Jim with cooperating until he sees where this is going.

"No. Didn't check the star date.", Bones admits, still wary as to what Jim is trying to get at. Why would today's date be important? It's not Jim's birthday; a day he always spent mourning a dead father, and a mother who wished she was with her husband. Jim had his older brother, Sam, who would make a mini celebration for him. But Jim's birthday was still awful for the captain. It wasn't the anniversary of Nero. Nor of the Khan/Marcus incident. Not the day Sam left his younger brother forever. So that must mean… oh shit, it's —

"It's the anniversary of the Tarsus IV massacre tomorrow, Bones", Jim states in a near whisper with unfocused eyes that gaze in the direction of the wall. Bones sighs and shakes his head. How could he forget that was this week? Jim can never handle it himself. At the Academy, Jim wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, and when he did, the nightmares were vivid and fresh, and the vomiting was vicious. He couldn't really blame Jim for not eating or sleeping, but he wouldn't encourage it as a doctor or friend. Jim never learned to properly deal with his experiences, not that anyone who survived the massacre probably could. But Jim was strong, and it only really affected him on the week of the anniversary.

They stay silent for awhile as Jim continues to rest his head against Bones' shoulder. His exhaustion is really catching up to him.

"You'll have to tell the damn hobgoblin here", Bones breaks the silence. His statement gains him an eyebrow raise from Spock. "You know he wants to help, in his own weird Vulcan way. He's your friend, Jim. Let him help". Bones begins to run his fingers through Jim's hair, keeping Jim calm after his suggestions.

"Jim, I am fascinated as to what you have to inform me of. I promise that you have my confidence", Spock tells Jim as he makes his way to sit on the tile floor next to him. "I am concerned for your health and do wish to help as Dr. McCoy has stated." Jim looks at Spock originally with doubt, but eventually accepts Spock's words as truth.

"It's not pleasant, Spock. I'd rather not have to tell you, but old sawbones over here is forcing me". Jim can feel his heart rate increasing at the idea of Spock knowing that he was on Tarsus IV for the massacre. Damnit, no one is supposed to find out. He doesn't want anyone knowing, besides Bones of course. He feels his heart beating faster at the terror of the truth being revealed. His hands start to shake too, and he tries to breathe but the breath is caught in his throat and _oh God_ , he can't breathe. Just the idea of the event becoming known to Spock is spiraling into a panic attack. He can't breathe, he can't breathe, and someone's hand is on his shoulder. And he can't help but flinch away from it. He knows it's not Kodos or Frank, but he can't help it, and he still can't breathe, but he can't get up to escape from the suffocation in the room, and then Bones speaks up.

"Jim, you need to breathe, kid", Bones says. Jim tries to focus on his breathing, he really is. In and out, in and out. He can't know. In for four, out for four. Spock can't know. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Oh God, why will he have to know? In for four, hold for four, out for six, hold for two. Why now? Repeat. Eventually, his heart is no longer racing, but he's bone tired with a heart beat more elevated than normal. Damn, his defensive shields are weaker when he's this exhausted. "You good now, kid?", Bones asks. Jim nods his head and steels himself.

"I was on Tarsus IV. I'm a survivor", Jim whispers. "I was there when Kodos condemned us to death. When the food stopped growing. When parents and children became nothing more than skin and bones. When my aunt and uncle were killed in cold blood. When I tried and failed to save my kids. When the bodies looked at me like it was my fault. When they accused me for surviving with their hollow eyes. When I would try to get the young ones to eat, but there's not enough. I have to bury the young ones that died of sickness. Starfleet's too late." Jim tries to find his way back to the present, "When Kodos tried to torture the location of my kids out of me…" Jim trails off, caught in his horrid memories that once again release adrenaline and fear into his veins. Spock doesn't know how to respond for once. He's completely and utterly surprised. Jim actually experiencing the massacre was not a result he had prepared for, nor wished for. He has questions, but cannot find it within himself to voice a single one.

"Around this time of year, my stomach won't accept food", Jim continues. "It's as if it thinks it doesn't deserve the food. I don't know. It's messed up. Usually it just forgets to be hungry. I don't think I've really been hungry since then." Spock and Bones look at Jim, who is staring at the tiles in front of him. The silence stifling. "Can't sleep either. My memories become nightmares that I can't escape even during the day. Better to just stay busy and awake…" Again, his friends are left speechless. "Like that apple today. Tasted like ash and dirt. I just can't make myself keep it down. Nor can I make myself stay asleep."

"Come on Jimbo, you need to sleep. For about sixteen hours minimum", Bones tells Jim as he carefully hauls the man off the floor. Even through his exhaustion and tsunami of memories, Jim sends Bones as doubtful look once leaning against his best friend. Spock rises next to them too, ready to assist in dragging the captain.

"I won't be able to sleep an hour, let alone sixteen. Not now. Besides, I'm needed in Engineering. Scotty wants help wi—"

"No, Jim. You need to sleep before you completely collapse from exhaustion. Scotty's got things under control until you wake up. You can't keep staying awake and busy. Especially after that panic attack", Bones plops Jim on the bed where he helps him lay down.

"Indeed, Jim. Mr. Scott was merely offering to help you rid yourself of boredom. He does have 'everything under control'. His adjustments are not urgent. I'd be happy to take alpha shift tomorrow in your place, seeing as you should be resting", Spock reassures his captain.

"I'm gonna give you a stronger sleep aide than normal. Should keep you under for awhile before your body can take over for itself. And, more importantly, should keep those nasty dreams at bay", Bones tells Jim as he administers the hypospray into his best friend's neck. Jim closes his eyes, but tries to fight the drowsiness it induces out of instinct. "Just let the drugs work, Jim. Relax", Bones tells his best friend who is already slipping from consciousness.

"Stay?", Jim asks his best friends.

"Of course, Jim", Spock responds. And eventually, Jim's limbs go limp with sleep, knowing that he's safe with his friends by him. Maybe this anniversary won't be so bad.

 **Sorry for my last update, guys. It was longer than the first but not as good as I wanted it to be. I was sort of pressed for time on it. I wanted it in before this one. To make up for the update, here's this chapter (which I'm pretty pumped for). I've been working on this one for much longer. Hope y'all enjoyed. I'd love to hear all of your opinions on any of the chapters so far. If you have any ideas, post them or PM me.  
Love,  
Dopamine Lover**


	4. Chapter 4: Shower

"Mr. Spock, get us out of here", Jim orders his First Officer as he materializes aboard his starship, the _U.S.S. Enterprise_. Spock nods and returns to the Bridge with Chekov at his heels. Captain James T. Kirk and Lt. Hikaru Sulu remain on the transporter pad, dripping in blood, goop, and sweat. Some of their own, some not. Yeoman Rand appears with a towel for each man and promptly leaves, not wanting to get involved in cleaning the transporter pad.

What an away mission they had. Who knew that the aliens of Icarus, the planet below them, have a deep-rooted hatred for blondes, not to mention blue eyed ones. Jim certainly didn't. And they just wanted to talk about some treaty or what not. Guess that's out of the window.

"Are we needed on the Bridge now, Captain?", Sulu asks Jim through his towel, still trying to wipe the mess off him and his uniform.

"I hope not. We'll have enough time to at least clean up, Mr. Sulu. Can't imagine Lt. Uhura would be too happy with us getting goop on the Bridge. Nor Spock for that matter", Jim responds as he continues in his failing efforts in wiping off the mess he's covered in. Sulu laughs at Jim's response.

"Yes sir", he says before departing for a shower. Good. Their away mission went on longer than they thought. Nine hours is a long time to be fighting and hiding from the angry Icarians, but it's about the time it takes to fix the transporters, even with a genius like Scotty aboard. Lord knows he and Sulu are exhausted, but as Captain, he's bound to his duty to help. But he knows Sulu needs a break.

So Jim takes off his boots and leaves on his socks in attempt to minimize the amount of sludge and blood he'll drag across his beautiful ship. Jim places his boots and towel in the corner of the transporter room and exits, making his way to the Bridge, but not before removing his boot knife and tucking it in his waist band.

Finally acknowledging how exhausted he is by the last few hectic hours, Jim steps into the Turbolift and leans against the wall. He instantly hisses and recoils from the support. Damn. That hurt. He must've gotten a gash on his back. Hopefully it's hidden by the sludge and blood he's stained in. Lord knows he'd be sent off the bridge for a paper cut.

The Turbolift doors open to a slightly chaotic Bridge. Probably from the stress of the last 10 hours. But, Jim can see that they've left Icarus far behind.

"Keptain on ze bridge", Chekov announces as Jim steps towards Spock, who is currently holding the conn.

"Captain, we have left the Icarian system and are currently heading towards Star base 14 at warp factor 2. We should reach our destination in 1.2 weeks", Spock reports.

"Thank you, Mr. Spock. Mr. Chekov, how far away from Icarus are we?"

"Vone hundred kilometers, sir", Chekov replies before returning to work.

"Captain", Spock says quieter than normal as he steps closer to Jim, "I suggest that you visit Sickbay for a compulsory post- away mission exam as soon as possible before Dr. McCoy storms the Bridge". Ugh. Jim hates Sickbay. Don't get him wrong, Bones is great, but Sickbay? No thanks. He doesn't like doctors.

"Alright, Spock", Jim replies. "When is alpha over?"

"In 13 minutes, Captain", Spock replies. Of course he'd know.

"So I'll see Bones in about 13 minutes", Jim tries to ease his First Officer before sitting in his chair and over-seeing his crew. Jim drafts his report to Starfleet on the failed away mission that was no fault of anyone's aboard the Enterprise. Most likely, some admiral who happens to hold a grudge 'forgot' to tell them this slight detail. Jim gets so wrapped up in his writing that he doesn't notice alpha is over until Spock lays a hand on Jim's shoulder. Jim jumps from the surprise, flinches on instinct, and winces in pain. Spock just had to place his hand right over the largest gash.

"Captain?" Spock asks, as Jim does his best to wipe the pain off his face.

"Fine, Spock. I'm fine", Jim gets up and has to steady himself against the dizziness.

"Jim", Spock nearly pleads, "I recommend you visit Dr. McCoy in Sickbay now."

"Alright, Spock", Jim says, "I'll go to Sickbay", Spock nods in approval.

"Do you require assistance, Captain?" No!

"No thanks, Spock. I can make it there myself. Bones would definitely think something is wrong if I show up with an escort", Jim jokes. He has no intentions of going to Sickbay. Not yet at least. He just wants a nice hot shower and to sleep for a long time after he cranks out that report for the Admiralty. But Spock would never let him do that.

"As you wish, Captain." Good. No fuss from Spock. it'd be harder to shake him off if he bit on like a bulldog. Jim slow makes his way into the Turbolift and once again attempts to prop himself against its wall. Purely to give the wall support, of course.

The Turbolift doors open to the hallway Jim's quarters are on. Jim sighs and prepares himself for the exertion of walking to his room. Jim is happily surprised when he successfully makes it into his quarters. He immediately strips his goop-covered closing off and grabs a clean pair of pants and boxers to change into once he's clean.

His back burns from ripping off the clothing around his open wounds. But he just doesn't care right now. He's so tired and sore that he's only thinking of that nice hot shower.

Thank the Lord, he actually made it into the bathroom he shares with Spock. Jim drapes his clean clothing over the shower stall and turns on the water. No sonics today. Jim craves a real honest to God shower.

Yikes! Jim sees himself in the mirror and is surprised that Spock hadn't dragged him to Bones. Wow. Besides the blood and goop covering his head, those are large deep gashes running along his back. Jim sighs. that would be from the slide down the mountain. Or maybe the knives of the natives. The bruises are definitely from the rocks they threw. The ones on his face: from the punches thrown; the purple and black marks littering his torso: from being tortured for codes and information vital to Starfleet. As if he'd ever give those up. He'd sooner bite off his own tongue.

He takes a deeper breath. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Bad idea. Bad. idea. Don't do that. He must've bruised a rib. Damn. But Jim really just wants to shower, Maybe the hot water will help somewhat.

So he squares his shoulders, ignores the pain, and steps into the shower.

Hurt!JimHurt!JimHurt!JimHurt!JimHurt!Jim

"Captain?" Spock calls through the shower stall. Damn. Jim thought Spock would've gone to mess for food. Nope. Just his luck. Had to be caught by Spock of all people.

"Yea Spock?" Jim replies defeated.

"Captain, why are you not in Sickbay?" Good question.

"I'd like to know too", says a Souther accented voice. Ah. Jim should've known Bones would find him if he didn't report to Sickbay immediately.

"I just wanted to shower. Really, Bones. No big deal". Jim turns off the water but sees the pink tinted liquid leave down the drain. Damn. He must still be bleeding. Probably why the shower seems to teeter once in a while.

Jim grabs the towel wrapped over the stall and dries off before grabbing his pants and underwear. Should've brought a shirt too. Oh well. It's just Spock and Bones.

After putting them on, Jim steps out, drying his now clean hair before looking at his friends' shocked faces. Well, Bones is totally shocked. Spock is as shocked looking as Jim's ever seen him.

He must look like hell.

"Damnit, Jim", Bones chastises as he rushes to his friend's side with a medical tricorder. "Why didn't you come to Sickbay when you were supposed to? You're bleeding all over the floor."

"Told you. I wanted a shower"

"Not a good enough reason"

"How did you know I'd be here?"

"That would be my doing, Captain", Spock says. "I had inquires with Dr. McCoy as to whether you had successfully reached Sickbay. And upon learning you had not, Dr. McCoy and I checked the route you would have logically taken before assuming you went to your quarters instead of seeking medical treatment".

"Oh". Jim doesn't know what else to say to that.

"Yeah, 'oh'", Bones says while reading the tricorder. "Jim, you're coming to Sickbay whether you like it or not. NOW." Jim groans. "And don't put on another shirt", Bones looks Jim in the eye, "I don't want you irritating those cuts anymore than you already have". Jim nods. Good. He really didn't have the energy to do so. In fact, he doesn't really have enough energy to go to Sickbay either. He's also quite dizzy. Or maybe it's the bathroom's fault. It's the one spinning, not him. Maybe he should sit down before he falls down. Jim takes a step for the wall, but his leg gives out, not wanting to support his injured self anymore. Apparently his body is no longer accepting pure determination as fuel.

Thankfully, a pair of hands catch Jim and ease him to the floor of the bedroom carpet. Strange. The hands are really warm. Warmer than they should be for a human. Oh. Then it hits him, Spock caught him. Hmm. So where's Bones?

"—im! Jim!", a frustrated voice comes through the haze. There's old faithful Bones.

"—ones", Jim manages to croak out. Huh. His tongue feels really heavy. And so does his eyelids. Maybe he'll just let them rest for a bit.

"JIM!" a voice yells next to him and Jim's eyes dart open to see Bones' face leaning over him. "No sleeping, Jim. Stay with me". Bones tells his best friend. But Jim really just can't stay focused with the cotton continually increasing inside his brain. He feels Spock and Bones pressing against some of the heavier bleeding gashes on his sides.

"—vre blood loss"

"—ift him up for m—"

"—areful—"

"—n't worry, Ji… —ou'll be fi—"

Jim is really trying to use the words as his anchor, but honestly, they feel more like a balloon. He can't use them to stay grounded. So Jim losses the fight and enters darkness, leaving the blurred but worried images of his friends behind.

Hurt!JimHurt!JimHurt!JimHurt!JimHurt!Jim

Jim groggily wakes up to the bright lights of Sickbay. Oh yea, the away mission. What is it with away-missions these days? They _never_ seem to go well.

Jim looks around, best he can, and finds Spock patiently sitting in the seat next to him. He seems to be reading or working on his PADD, and hasn't yet noticed Jim's awakening.

"Whatcha workin' on?", Jim croaks and Spock's head snaps up.

"Captain". Jim gives him a look and Spock fixes his previous exclamation, "Jim".

"What's going on?" Jim becomes serious, "last I remember, my shower was being abruptly stopped".

"Dr. McCoy and I found you and discovered your injuries are profusely bleeding, causing near severe blood loss. others were nearing infection or had soaked the substance you were covered in, into your bloodstream. you also had internal damage from the numerous punches, evident by your skin discolorations, including, but not limited to, fractured ribs, an almost ruptured spleen, and a near-punctured lung".

Wow. "Wow".

"Indeed, Jim. Dr. McCoy had spent 2 hours on your surgery".

"That long? How long have I been here?"

"About a day and a half, Jim." Jim's eyes bug open despite the exhaustion that's tarting to set in. Over a day?! "You needed to not agitate your injuries further. Dr. McCoy postulated keeping you in a medically induced coma would aid your healing. Although you have awoken several hours earlier than expected." Damn.

"I can see you are fatigued, Jim", Spock continues, "I suggest that you rest. Dr. McCoy would not be pleased if you stayed awake on my account". Jim nods. His body's not really giving him a choice now, is it?

Jim closes his eyes. How is it, that trying to avoid Sickbay landed him almost two days of unconsciousness here? He's lucky that it's only two days. Without his friends he might have been here longer, or worse. What would he do without them?

 **Happy 50th Anniversary of Star Trek! In celebration, I've decided to treat you guys to another chapter. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but you still get it any way. Let me know your opinions, REVIEW! I'd like to make these shorts on what you guys want to see. So PM me, or leave a comment. Otherwise, I'm pulling ideas out of my discombobulated brain.**

 **Love you guys!**

 **Dopamine Lover**


	5. Chapter 5: Half-human

He shouldn't be bothered by it. It's irrational. It's illogical. It's so human. But, when Spock thinks about it, he _is_ part human. Why shouldn't he be susceptible to this as well?

But, truly, it is illogical to be so concerned over such a thing. Sure, it was unavoidable at the time of the event, but that was over a year ago. It shouldn't be bothering him now. He _is_ in control of his emotions.

Yet, here he is, hiding from the demons that plague him in the bathroom. He didn't intentionally come here to hide. He simply needed a sonic shower; perhaps it was a subconscious need to wash away his thoughts. And although welcomed for its ritualistic properties, it had not refreshed him. So Spock tried splashing cold water on his face. And then sat on the cold tile. Event progressed in that way, and Spock so focused on such thoughts, that he almost doesn't hear the knock on the other door to the bathroom.

"Spock? Do you mind if I come in?" Jim calls through the door. Spock jumps. He let himself get lost in his haunting thoughts, allowing g himself to be startled.

"No, Captain. You may enter," he responds. The door slowly swings open to reveal a safe and healthy Jim.

"It's Jim, Spock. We're not on duty," he corrects his first officer before sitting down next to him on the cool tile and leaning against the wall as if this were a common occurrence.

"Of course, Jim." Fascinating. Simply seeing Jim alive and well has already lessened his anxiety.

"So what's the matter?" Jim asks, getting straight to the point. Spock raises an eyebrow. "Come on, don't give me that. I know something's up, Spock. You're sitting on the floor. Of the bathroom. I highly doubt you chose to meditate her."

Busted.

"Indeed not. Some of my less pleasant memories have resurfaced since the recent away mission."

It wasn't supposed to be a highly dangerous mission, but it never goes smoothly for the crew of the Enterprise. Once again, Jim had sacrificed himself for Spock, taking an arrow to the arm, and still managed to get them to safety.

"Yea. The away mission wan't very pleasant either." Jim's gaze gets lost into his own memories before he realizes when and where he is again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Spock pauses to ponder. He has no desire to share his emotions, but perhaps his chaotic mind will ease when imply verbalizing his thoughts.

"Jim, I cannot help but be concerned over your well-being. It is unpleasant to see you injured repeatedly on my behalf or that of the crew."

Jim remains silent and solemn, thinking.

"Spock, there was nothing you could have or should have done differently. I chose to go into the warp core to save the ship. you saved me afterwards. You did everything right."

How did he know? How did Jim know what was truly ailing him? Spock hadn't indicated the event.

"I have run calculations on numerous actions I could have done differently to achieve a more desirable outcome. It is, indeed, my fault."

"It's your fault that I didn't die alone. Your fault that Khan was stopped. you fault that he's back in his cryotube where he belongs. You fault that I'm alive. Yes, you're responsible, but I fail to see any of those as faults. I'm grateful for each one."

"But Jim—"

"Don't play the numbers game with me, Spock. No matter how many calculations you make now, won't change the past and its outcome. You did what was right in the heat of the moment. After all, hindsight is 20/20."

Spock takes a moment, processing his captain's wisdom. Strange that he used to fin the same man so immature.

"look at the Kobayashi Maru," Jim continues. "I know, I know, 'the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few'. And I did that by going into the warp core. And I'm sorry. I never knew how much you all cared. I never expected such a blast zone. And I'm sorry that you were in it. But know this, I'd do it again if it meant saving you guys.

"But the Kobayashi Maru was unpredictable, as you designed it to be. With so many variables, it's unbeatable without cheating. Life's the same way. It took me months, months, Spock, to go through every simulation of it and calculate the constants and variables. My first try was just me trying my honest to God best. And I only lasted three hours. That's it. So I worked day and night trying to study for it, finding those variables. With the near 20/20, I only lasted six and a half hours. I know it's the Academy's record, but I still failed.

"I was so angry that I couldn't pass. So frustrated that I couldn't make it through, that I then spent my time trying to reprogram it. Only with re-writing the laws did I succeed. And I had three attempts. you had one chance with real lives at stake, and you survived with minor casualties compared to the possible amount."

"Did the Kobayashi Maru anger you because you faced a situation similar to that of your father's death?" Jim's face drops and goes pale. Maybe Spock shouldn't have said that. He wasn't expecting this reaction. Jim sighs.

"Yea, Spock. You got it on the nose." Jim pauses, considering what he wants to share with the vulcan. "I used to try and figure out what he could've done differently when I was little. I tried for so long, wanting to know what could've saved him, what could've given me a father. Sam found out one day and, well, he —uh, he put a stop to it. It was stupid. Wasting my time like that, he said. It wasn't stupid. It forced me to realize that there was nothing else to be done except not board the Kelvin and hope it never reached the Narada. He did everything right, and he still didn't live. Well, he lives through Sam and I. And look, I sacrificed myself just like he did." Jim shakes his head, and lets the silence reign. Spock uses it to process what he's heard.

"Jim, I am sorry that you died," Spock blurts out. Jim looks at him, surprised.

"And I'm sorry too. For you. You, Bones, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov." They let the silence envelope them again. It's almost 15 minutes before Jim speaks again.

"I'm sorry that I scared you again today. You don't have to admit to it. It's just written in my DNA, my very blood, to save everyone, even at the expense of myself. And when it comes to you, Bones, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, or Chekov, I would lay down my life in a heartbeat. I can't change it, but I'll try to reign it in."

"Thank you, Jim." Jim practically beams at that, but his eyes still cling to their sadness.

"Glad to help, Spock," Jim says as his vulcan first officer stands up. "What do you say to a game of chess?" Spock offers his hand to lift the captain up, and Jim accepts.

"That would be agreeable, Jim."

"Good. Let's set up in my room, yes?" Spock nods.

Fascinating. Simply conversing with Jim had eased his worries. And Jim hadn't made fun of his moment humanness. Perhaps that "epic friendship" Jim and the elder version of himself talk about is a highly probable possibility. And strangely enough, Spock finds himself agreeable to such an idea.

 **Hey guys. Just a little bromance short I whipped together. Don't worry that's not all that you'll see on a Spock/Kirk friendship, but I won't be straying to slash. Maybe if you squint it will be. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and I hope to continue to hear from you guys. (Elanor2000, and Ster J, I've taken your ideas to heart and am already whipping up some stories. This was the first little intro into it for you)**

 **Love,**

 **DopamineLover**


	6. Chapter 6: Concussion

"—im. Jim"

How strange. Jim can hear some snippets of voices, but can't make out what they're saying. Scratch that, it's not strange, it's starting to freak him out. His brain feels so slow. Everything is taking twice as long to process. He must've had a long day. That'll do that to him. It's probably late too. He probably just needs to sleep.

"Jim, can you hear me?" a frightened man says in front of him. Of course he can hear him. He's not deaf.

"Yea," he responds. The man loses some tension in his shoulders when he hears that. Strange, it's as if this guy cares about Jim. If Jim's learned anything, it's that no adult ever cares. Not for him at least.

But this man seems ok. He has his eyebrows scrunched together and a ghost of a scowl on his face, as if it's his default. The brunet man's almost intimidating, but Jim doesn't let it faze him. He moves to sit up straighter against the wall he was propped on, but is restrained by another man.

This one is definitely a Vulcan. His eyebrows and bowl hair cut say it all, but his emotionless face is the icing on top. Darn. Vulcans are much stronger than humans, Jim's going to have a hard time getting away from this one. Where would he go to though? Wait, better question: why is he here? Where is here? Hold on, Vulcans are touch telepaths, he should watch what he's thinking.

"Jim? Are you listening?" Oh. Oops. It's not his fault, he's having a really hard time focusing on anything. Even his thoughts feel like water; he can't hold on to those. He's just being continually pushed by waves in all directions to stay floating in one place.

"Yea. Sorry," Jim responds after a moment's hesitation of gathering his thoughts.

"Are you ok? How are you feeling?" Well, his head hurts like there's two bricks on the upper back right and left of his head, and there's two hot stakes in each one that's continually being pushed deeper. And his neck is killing him at the base of his head. And everything looks just a bit blurry. And he doesn't know these two guys. And he's hungry.

"Fine," is all he manages to say. You know, he's hungry, but not really either. It's weird. But he definitely wants to munch. Maybe pretzels. Yea, where can he get some of those. Or crackers.

"Jim," the Vulcan finally speaks up, interrupting Jim's strange train of thought. "Perhaps you should tell your symptoms to Dr. McCoy rather than a single adjective that falsely describes your state of being at the moment." Psssh. As if he'd do that. This guy is a doctor? The sooner he fakes his way through this exam, the sooner he'll get to leave and find out where the hell he is. He's lied his way through many doctors, especially after Tarsus, he's never liked them since then, and he sure as hell can make it past this one.

"No. I'm really good, thanks Dr. McCoy," he says to reassure the man. But he must've said something wrong. Dr. McCoy was the guy's name. The doctor's eyebrow shoots up, similar to the Vulcan's and the two share a glance before the Vulcan lists off all of Jim's symptoms that he was thinking of to the man. Darn Vulcans and their touch telepathy.

"Jim," the doctor starts warily, "can you tell me where we are?" Hmm. Jim looks around. He's propped against the wall of a circular room. There's a lot of chairs and stations and oh, hey, there's a window. Wow. They're in space. Cool. Winona must've brought him with her this time.

"Space." The doctor rolls his eyes. "On a starship," Jim tries to be more detailed. There's the captain's chair. So maybe it's —"the bridge. We're on the bridge." Keep it short and sweet.

"How about the star date?" Damn. He never keeps track of the date. But he usually at least knows it within a couple of days. But now, he has no clue whatsoever. His mind is pulling up a complete blank. Shit.

"I, uh, don't keep track of the date," he says. Good save, good save.

"Try the month then." Damn this guy with all his questions. Jim remains silent.

"Year?" the doctor tries. Oh, Jim can do that.

"2250." The doctor's eyes go wide.

"H—how old are you, Jim?"

"Woa, man. I don't just go handing out my age to strangers." Although, these two seem oddly familiar. The doctor takes a step back, as if Jim had struck him, and the Vulcan's eyebrows climbs impossibly higher.

"Jim," the Vulcan says to him. "You have received a traumatic brain injury. You will need to come to Sickbay with us." Jim studies him.

"If this is some elaborate stunt of my mother's, tell her I'm not playing, but I appreciate her acknowledgement of having a second son."

"It is not, Jim. You truly have sustained a traumatic brain injury, and Dr. McCoy needs to determine its severity, which is best done in Sickbay." Again, Jim studies him, which is hard to do with such a headache and slow brain.

"Fine," Jim says as he attempts to get up. Woa. Simply trying to get up like that made the room spin. Damn. He must've really done a number on himself. He tries to hide the vertigo, but he can't really. Not from a doctor and a Vulcan. Their hands reach out to steady him, and he blindly reaches his own towards them. They find purchase, and he's no loner in danger of hitting his head yet again. Although, he would like to sit down. The altitude change isn't helping his stomach.

"Easy does it, Jimbo. Try and focus on one thing, it'll help the dizziness go away." Except it's not. It's taking so long, and Jim just wants to leave.

"I'm good now," he says once the worst of the dizziness and vertigo has left. He lets go of the two men's hands, but they move to his biceps to steady him. And before Jim really registers it, they walk him to the Turbolift, and towards Sickbay, where they place him onto a biobed.

Spock watches Jim, ensuring his compliance at staying still, while Bones returns with a hypospray.

"Woa, there, doc. Easy does it with those. I'm more than likely deathly allergic to whatever's in there. No shots."

"Relax, kid. You're not allergic to this."

"How would you know?" Bones pauses at that. He doesn't want to overwhelm Jim with the truth right now, but…

"I've read your file, kid. I've memorized your allergies since I met ya." Jim's mouth gapes open at that. Doctor McCoy knows him? How? Is he a friend of Winona's? Dad's? Hopefully not Frank's. And Sam would never be friendly with the 'Fleet. And neither is Jim for that matter.

Bones takes this moment of Jim's surprise and administers the one sedative that doesn't affect concussions like ibuprofen does, and Jim isn't allergic to. Jim hears the hiss before the pinch, and is out like a light mere seconds afterwards. Spock catches his upper body and lays him down on the biobed.

"Doctor," Spock says. "I may be able to help the captain regain his memories and experiences through a Vulcan mind meld."

"Your vulcan voodoo? Will there be any side-effects or consequences?"

"There would not, doctor. The captain may experience some pain if his memories are of that nature, and similar with other experiences. However, not all of them will have such an effect."

"Will you see all of his memories?"

"Only the most prominent ones from his reverted stage to now."

"Alright. Do your vulcan voodoo, but if anything bad is happening, dangerous to Jim or you, stop the meld immediately. Understood?"

"Indeed, doctor," Spock responds before moving to stand over Jim. He carefully places his fingers on the PSI points of Jim's face, before muttering the incantation to begin the meld.

And instantly, Spock feels himself pulled into the whirlwind of a mind that is Jim Kirk. It's fascinating and disorienting. Spock carefully makes his way to a section in the temporal lobe, where everything seems to have slowed down. This must have been the end of the path of impact upon Jim's brain.

* * *

He stops in his tracks once he sees Jim, who is laying on the floor, unmoving. As Spock approaches his captain, the scenery becomes that of the bridge, albeit quite blurred.

"Captain," Spock calls to him. He finally kneels in front of the man and shakes him. "Captain. Captain! Jim!"

Jim's eyelids flutter open to reveal slits of bright blue before shutting closed once more. Spock stands up in the blurred bridge that is Jim's mind. Fascinating. Jim's brain is indeed organized and has structure. He moves to one of the consoles, attempting to press one of the normally harmless buttons, but his hand simply passes through the entire console. Spock tries once more on another, and gets the same result. Strange. Perhaps this is not how to access Jim's brain.

He once again walks over the still form of Jim and kneels near him.

"Jim," he calls again. Jim's eyes open once again, revealing his unnaturally blue colored eyes.

"Hey Spock," he croaks.

"Captain, it is imperative that you assist me in my attempts to restore your memories."

"Oh? I lost memories?" Jim thinks about that for a moment. How did he lose his memories? Was that why Spock is here? "Well, what do I have to do?"

"You must find them."

"No shit, but I have no idea where to look. Hmm…." Jim becomes pensive. He squints his eyes closed and attempts to search for his memories. They'd probably be hidden. Hidden. Hmm. Where would he hide them? Probably with the memories he'd like to forget. Right, Tarsus IV, and Frank, here we come.

Jim continues to search through each box, letting events he'd rather not relive, reveal themselves. But he'd much rather not see any memories of Tarsus IV. He finally comes upon a box with a large lock on it. Perhaps this is the one. But he doesn't have the key to it, like all of the rest did.

"I believe that is the one, Captain," Spock says over Jim's shoulder.

"Spock, you're in my brain. At least call me Jim."

"Of course, Jim."

"Anyway, I can't open it. See? I have no key for this one."

Spock holds out his hands for the box. Jim places the chest into his friend's hands, a little reluctantly. They are his memories after all.

Spock examines the box thoroughly before closing his eyes, willing the box to open. To Jim's surprise, it does.

"Woa. That was cool, Spock." But Spock is too focused to acknowledge Jim's remark. The box is releasing Jim's memories, which find their owner and soar into his mind. Jim is knocked down by their force, and experiences everything all at once. It's so much that he enters into a fit of sorts. He can't control it, but he feels Spock's hands on him, grounding him and reassuring him that everything will be alright.

Finally, it lets up and Jim can vividly see his memories playing in front of him and Spock.

* * *

There he is, slamming the door to the Kirk farmhouse in Iowa, leaving Frank for good. He's walking down the dirt road with nothing but a backpack, just like Sam did, except Frank's not running after him. He really did think Jim was worth less than the dirt on his boots.

There's Jim taking the mechanic position, and later on working on bikes, including his own hog.

Jim's in a bar, a memorable one. It's his birthday, and it's the first one without Winona since Tarsus IV. He is drinking alone, trying to drown the pain away.

Again, Jim's in a bar, drinking. It's the anniversary of Tarsus IV, and he can't get the memories to stop without the help of liquor.

Jim's in the same bar, but he's working there. He's serving drinks, and girls try to hit on him. He can't bring himself to care; they'll tip him more if he lets them. A huge guy comes in and finds Jim. The big jerk walks over and starts smack-talking him, which is mumbled out by Jim's memory. Maybe he'd had a drink or two. He serves the guy, but is given a punch to the nose in payment. Jim's head reels, and the guy continues to pummel him.

Jim's driving past the Riverside Shipyard in Iowa. He stops his bike and revels in the beauty of the ship they're making. If only he could take that ship and fly as far away from Iowa as he could.

Jim sees Uhura in the bar, hits on her, and gets pummeled in yet another bar fight. He wakes up to Pike talking to him. Unlike all of the other conversations current Jim and Spock have witnessed, this one is perfectly clear. Jim had remembered the conversation verbatim. _I dare you to do better._

Jim's entering the shuttle to Starfleet where he bangs his head on a beam before sitting down. Dr. McCoy comes towards Jim in a frenzy, shouting in undistinguishable words to the woman behind him. But as he sits down, he becomes as clear as a whistle. Again, another conversation Jim had remembered verbatim. _I might throw up on you._

Bones celebrates Jim's birthday multiple times, helps Jim through painful Tarsus anniversaries, the Tarsus IV unit in ethics, and horrible nightmares throughout the Academy.

Captain Pike also comforts Jim multiple times in ways Jim's never known, seeing as he's never had a father figure.

Jim takes the Kobayashi Maru all 3 times. He doesn't sleep or eat in-between each one, too busy studying for each. When he does sleep, it's filled with nightmares of losing his kids, of his dad dying, of Sam leaving because _who can be a Kirk in that house_? His heart is crushed each time he fails, for he's failed his crew.

Jim is suffering from an allergic reaction as he rushes to the bridge of the Enterprise with vital information.

He's jumping from the drill to try and save Sulu when his parachute breaks too. He almost splatters on the ground before the transporters beam them up.

Jim is on Delta Vega, running from monsters, meeting Spock Prime and Scotty, utterly bewildered that Spock Prime thinks of him as a brother, the same man who marooned him here. And time travel and alternate universes? No thanks.

Jim is on the bridge, angering Spock because Spock Prime says he must, despite his reluctance, but hey, he's never one to shy away from pain. Pain energizes you, wakes you up. Jim could use a little adrenaline.

Jim is on Nero's ship, rescuing Pike and fighting the Romulans. Thank the Lord he found him.

Jim is on the bridge when he finally collapses of days without rest, food, and lack of adrenaline. Not to mention the many injuries he's suffered. Man, did Bones get mad.

Jim is promoted to Captain, and he's so excited to finally fulfill the dare Pike had set. _I dare you to do better_.

Jim is sitting in front of his PADD, being berated by his mother for risking his life like that. It's the first time they've talked in years, because now George Kirk was avenged. His mother disowns him. _How could he've gone into space of all places?_

Jim is dripping in water, but is relieved to see Spock alive after the volcano.

Jim is getting a beat down from Pike for violating the Prime Directive. It may be one of the clearest conversations yet.

Jim is in the bar with Pike, happy to just have him there, to have someone he knows cares.

Pike dies. Jim had been the only sensible one in the room, attacking Harrison. He won too, but Harrison got away and Pike is dead. Pike is dead. Pike is dead. He was a father to Jim, and now he's gone. He's gone. He's gone. Jim's alone. Again. Yet another parental figure down the drain, and Jim asks what's wrong with himself.

Scotty resigns. His chief engineer. Not Scotty.

Jim is pummeling Khan on Kronos. It isn't doing anything, except split the skin of his knuckles.

Jim is facing Admiral Marcus, the whole event morphing into one. Flying over to the Vengeance. His screen goes off line, he's flying blind. He can do this. No no-win scenarios.

Khan beats the shit out of him. He's sent to the Enterprise in rough shape, but keeps on going.

The warp core is failing. The warp core is _failing_. He and Scotty can't go in, they'll die. No. Only Jim'll die. He punches Scotty, straps him in, and enters the chamber. He's already feeling the burn of the radiation but keeps going. He jams the warp core in, the ship is back on line. He saved them. That's all that matters. Maybe he could save himself. He makes his way to the door, shuts it, and sees Spock. This, _this_ is the clearest conversation in all of Jim's head. Even the entire scene is clear. Jim dies. _Because you are my friend._

Jim is in a biobed in Starfleet medical. He wakes up to see Bones and then Spock, their conversation is crystal clear too.

Jim is rechristening the Enterprise, his speech murky until he beings, "Space. The final frontier…"

Jim is again on a face call with his mother. She yells at him again, the first time they've talked since Nero. She's mad he died. She's mad he sacrificed himself like Dad. He's truly his father. She disowns him again. She insults him. _Who would be idiotic enough to willingly enter a radioactive warp core chamber, sacrificing himself just so that he could play his father's role? What's wrong with you? You couldn't even die properly._ The worst part, he just lets her say it all, and he believes it all.

Various away missions flash quickly in front of Jim and Spock, and strangely enough, some of their encounters in their shared bathroom.

Spock looks over at Jim to find him unconscious once again, the memories being too much for his concussed mind.

* * *

Jim opens his eyes to the harsh lighting of Sickbay. Thankfully it becomes obstructed by someone hovering over Jim's face.

"How ya' feeling, Jim?" Bones asks.

"My head hurts. What did I do?"

"You got a concussion with no loss of consciousness. Now, answer my questions. Where are you?"

"Sickbay. On the _U.S.S. Enterprise,"_ Jim says.

"What date is it?"

"Bones, you know I don't keep track of that. Plus, I don't even know how long I was out for."

"Fine. What month is it?"

"June."

"Name and rank."

"James T. Kirk. Captain of the _U.S.S. Enterprise_ , NCC-1701. Constitution Class Starship."

"Yea, yea. I get it, ya smart alek. Who am I?"

"A pain in my ass." That got Jim a glare. "My favorite person in the world, Dr. Leonard McCoy."

"What do you remember last?"

"Some explosion on the bridge, right? Klingons, or something? Yea. I think so. And I remember it was right by my chair and I was thrown to the wall, and… and… that's it. That's all I remember."

"That's perfectly enough with me," Bones smiles at Jim.

"Uh, yea, great. How long have I been here?"

"You've been in Sickbay for two days, Jim." Jim sits up in the biobed immediately, only to have his head swim with the dizziness that came with it. And the edges of his vision darkened before clearing up. "And clearly you still need to be here. I told you, you have a concussion. Not to mention whiplash, causing a rotated C1, vestibular disorder, and convergence insufficiency. It'll take awhile, but it'll clear up with therapies." Jim groans.

"Be happy it wasn't worse. You had some pretty severe memory loss. It would've been permanent if it weren't for the hobgoblin."

"Spock helped?"

"Indeed, Jim," Spock says from the corner where Jim didn't see him. Jim jumps in his seat. "I apologize for startling you, Captain."

"It's alright, but you're getting a cow bell for Christmas."

"It'd probably hurt your head, Jim. Noise sensitivity and all," Bones says.

Jim rolls his eyes. "Thanks for helping, guys. I mean it."

"Yea? Well, you're worth it, Jim," Bones says. Jim blushes just the tiniest bit. More people have told him he's not worth a penny, and Jim believed them. Not this time, though. Bones is so sincere, that Jim believes him.

"Thanks," he says in a near whisper.

"Now go to sleep, Jim. Your eyes look un-seeing. You need to sleep to heal." Jim just nods in agreement, man is he tired. He feels the pinch of the hypo followed by the hiss. And just before he slips under, he looks at his best friends. How was he so blessed to have them at his side every day? He'll have to do something nice for them when he wakes up.

 **Hey guys! Sorry this took so long. I was working on another story but my muse abruptly stopped for it. So, I began working on this one yesterday and cranked it out today. Proves how much I care for y'all. Anyway, the medical terms I threw in are real, they've all happened to me, so I know what I'm talking about. Yes, even the pretzels. But I've never lost my memory, so no to the mind meld too. Thank God. But if you have questions on any of it, or questions on concussions, I can share with you all that I know, even my experience that's on-going. Most of the brain stuff that I'll talk about in this story is real, I have a great book,** ** _Clinical Neuroanatomy Made Ridiculously Simple_** **by Stephen Goldberg M.D., and it's my source for all of the science to it. (So my brain trauma stories will try and stick to facts)**

 **Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you enjoyed this addition. Long, but written quick, so please excuse all grammar mistakes. I'll try and edit them once I re-read after posting. I want you guys to at least have the story.**

 **I hope you all liked! Please comment on what was good/bad and any new ideas!**

 **XOXO, DopamineLover**


	7. Chapter 7: Woes From a Funeral

"Captain, you seem to be quite nervous," Spock says to Jim in the transporter room.

"Well, Spock, that's because I am," Jim dismisses as he walks to the pad with his backpack slung over one shoulder. Fascinating. It is uncommon for Jim to present his unease, and Spock is intrigued to discover the human's behavior with it. So far he's been short-tempered, temperamental, and abundantly sarcastic. All characteristics Spock is seeing for the first time in their true form in Jim.

"Why shouldn't I be? I'm only seeing my brother for the first time in years. And his family for the first time ever. Nothing to be nervous over what so ever, Spock," Jim rants as his first officer joins him on the transporter pad. "Energize," Jim gives the order to Scotty, and the Scotsman activates the controls, dematerializing them to Earth, more importantly, Iowa's Starfleet Shipyard, Riverside.

The place is just as Jim remembered. Near-desolate and oppressive. And upon seeing it again, Jim's itching to leave. He doesn't want to deal with the memories embedded in the crops and dirt of his hometown.

"Captain, I believe that is George Samuel Kirk and his wife approaching from our left," Spock tells Jim. Jim looks in the indicated direction and feels as if he's been hit with a brick. It's Sam. It's really Sam. Sure, they've commed each other to plan this rendezvous, but actually seeing his brother in the flesh is just so overwhelming. Jim's eyes start to water, threatening to spill over.

He's torn between his childish desire to run to his brother with open arms, happy to have him back again, and with his deep-seated mix of anger and disappointment for his brother's abandonment. Jim was barely 13 when Sam left. But he's spared from choosing since Sam's already in front of him.

"Jim?" Sam asks with an incredulous smile plastered on his face at seeing his baby brother all grown up into a successful Starfleet Captain.

"Sam," Jim responds, unable to keep his own smile hidden.

"Oh my God," Sam says as he engulfs Jim into a bear hug that Jim hasn't felt since he was a kid. And just like that, Jim's nerves calm down. Sam pulls away. "It _is_ you. Man, you look so pristine. Can't believe how well you cleaned up." Jim's in his dress uniform. Standard 'Fleet protocol for funerals.

"Yea, well, I learned a couple things at the Academy."

"I bet. You'll have to tell me all about them and what went on after I left. But we don't want to be late to Mom's funeral. Oh!" he exclaims in remembrance. "Sorry, Jimmy, this is my wife, Aurelan."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am."

"Oh please, it's just Aurelan here, Jim. It's nice to meet you too. I haven't heard much of you 'till last week, but it's been all good things so far."

"I'm glad to hear that. Uh, this is my first officer, Commander Spock."

"Sir. Ma'am. It's an honor to meet you."

"Same goes to you too, Commander. It's Aurelan." Spock nods in understanding.

"And Bones'll be coming after the funeral. He's stuck on duty."

"Bones?" Sam asks.

"Oh. Dr. Leonard McCoy. 'Member? The old country doc I was telling you about?"

"Oh, yes. I remember. Good. I'd like to meet him too. Alright, let's get goin'. We've got a bit of a drive from here to the grounds," and Sam ushers them into the car. Jim can't wait for this to be over.

* * *

"We're here," Sam says as he parks the car. Thank goodness. The silence in the car was stifling. After the shock of seeing his brother wore off, so did Jim's happiness and desire for conversation. They both seemed to suddenly remember Sam abandoning Jim, and they couldn't seem to be capable of stopping it. So, much to the discomfort of all but Spock, the half hour ride passed with only the radio making noise and Aurelan's small talk. The entire time, Jim couldn't help but wish he was back on the Enterprise, as far away from Iowa as he could possibly be. The Enterprise will always be more of a home to Jim than Riverside ever could be. Jim steps out of the car once parked, and takes a deep breath, straightening out his uniform. He'd be be seeing Winona dead, after all.

"Captain?" Spock inquires on the other side of the car. Jim tries to bring back his attention.

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?" Jim scoffs at that. Yea. He's no where near alright. Mildly terrified? Maybe.

"Yes," Jim lies through his teeth.

"Well, let's get going then," Sam says to the two men while holding his wife's hand. Jim would much rather be fighting Klingons or Romulans to this. But Jim still manages to maneuver himself to the funeral service.

* * *

It wasn't as bad as Jim imagined it being. He didn't have to speak in front of all those people, he only saw Winona's lifeless body twice, and was a paul bearer. The rest of the time, Jim just sat or stood and listened. Lots of people gave their condolences, but they left him alone otherwise. It wasn't until Jim, Spock, Sam, and Aurelan were walking back to the car did the Kirk luck strike.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the Kirk boys out causin' trouble again," a man says from behind them. Jim freezes, much to Spock's confusion. Jim knows that voice. How could he not? It's haunted Jim's dreams for years.

Frank is here.

Jim turns around to face the lousy excuse of a stepfather he had, despite always calling him "Uncle". For some reason, he's a kid again, and he can't stand up to Frank. All of his courage left with the warmth of his body. He can see all of the beatings flash before his eyes, and he's powerless to stop them.

"Frank," Sam all but spits out with disgust, standing up tall in front of the man. "You should leave before you cause any trouble."

"Oh, tisk-tisk. Is that any way to greet your stepfather?" This disgusting man is Sam and Jim's stepfather? Fascinating. Frank smiles quite unkindly. "I've done nothing except come to my ex-wife's funeral." Sam just sends him a glare before turning around and guiding the still frozen Jim quickly to the car with a vice grip on his brother's bicep. Spock and Aurelan confusedly enter the car as well, giving Frank one last glance before Sam hastily drives away.

"That bastard," Sam angrily mumbles after driving in silence for over half the ride.

"Sam," Aurelan begins to question her husband. "Who was that?"

"Frank," he once again angrily spits out. "Mom married him after Dad died. Needed a babysitter for us, and a band-aid for her heart. She couldn't've picked worse. The man hated us. Hated Jim more. Got drunk all the time too…" Sam gets lost in his own thoughts, similar to his younger brother, but manages to safely pull into his driveway.

"Mom divorced him after she found out — found out what he was really like. She was always away on missions…" The car regains its silence. Spock wants to press the issue but senses that now is an inappropriate time. Sam shakes himself out of his memories.

"Welcome to the Kirk homestead," he announces as he opens the car doors and walks to the front door. Spock helps the still frozen captain out of the car and to the front door. Sam opens the door and out comes a little boy, no older than four.

"Dad!" he squeals upon seeing Sam. He raises his arms for his father to pick him up, which Sam happily obliges.

"Heya Peter! How's it going?" Sam asks as he walks through the threshold.

"Good," his son distractedly replies as he notices Spock and Jim.

"Da-da! Mama!" another son, around two years old, exclaims as he waddles to the door, slapping his feet, only to be closely followed by a middle aged woman. She is holding an infant close to her as she reaches the group.

"Steve, come here baby," Aurelan says as she crouches down to the 2 year old who happily allows himself to be picked up. "Can you say hi to your Uncle Jim for me?" she softly says to the boy.

"Hi," he shyly tells Jim. Jim tries to smile back, he really does, but he's still bombarded with the strange physical aftereffects of seeing Frank again. Sam and Spock seem to notice. The two men grab Jim and drag him upstairs and into the bathroom, much to the surprise of the ladies. Sam closes the door as Spock places Jim on the floor, resting against the cabinets. Jim makes no attempts at complaining or resisting, which rattles Spock. Jim would usually be fighting his way to be downstairs where everyone is, even if he was profusely bleeding.

Jim still retains his frozen composure. In fact, he's so unresponsive that Spock checks for symptoms of neurogenic shock in the captain. He finds Jim's skin to be abnormally cold and sweaty, his pulse to be weak but rapid, and his breathing irregular.

"The captain is experiencing neurogenic shock. It is imperative that he be kept warm," he tells Sam as he lays Jim down on the tile.

"I'll go get some blankets," Sam says, leaving the bathroom. Spock grabs a towel and rolls it up to place under Jim's feet to force blood flow back to his heart.

"Captain, captain," Spock tries to get the man's attention. "Jim. Jim." But Jim remains unresponsive. Spock takes out his communicator. "Spock to Dr. McCoy."

"Spock! Hold on, I'm walking down the driveway."

"Doctor, it would be better for the captain if you ran." Bones gets the hint and does indeed run down the driveway and into the house, startling the ladies in the kitchen.

"Where's Jim?" he asks them. Recognizing the Starfleet uniform, Aurelan deducts he must be Dr. McCoy.

"Upstairs," she calmly replies. He barely nods his head in thanks before dashing up the stairs, his backpack of clothes and medical supplies clinking behind him.

 _Ugh what a great impression_ , Jim thinks. It's not his fault though. He wasn't expecting Frank to show up. He never liked them and sure didn't love Winona. It probably wasn't smart to think of him again. Jim's stomach violently lurches, and thank the Lord that Spock notices and guides Jim to the toilet before he expels the meager breakfast Bones forced him to eat. Once he starts retching, his body doesn't want to stop until he's dry heaving. He's so focused on trying to breathe intermittently between retches, that he doesn't notice someone enter until they lay their hand on his shoulder. Jim flinches under the touch, freshly reminded of Frank, which serves to revive his stomach's poor attempts of ridding itself of any substance.

Jim is surprised once he feels the pinch and hiss of two hypos in such a rapid succession. That could only mean Bones was here. Jim feels himself being pushed away from the porcelain once his stomach calms down, and he sees Bones talking, but can't hear him. Jim feels as if he's just floating, letting the wind move him around.

Sam shows up with blankets and wraps them around his younger brother. Jim looks so young and vulnerable. It's unnatural to see him this way.

Bones swears. His tricorder readings aren't good. Jim is in neurogenic shock like the hobgoblin said. Damn. He looks for Jim's pulse to confirm his readings. Yep. Weak and rapid.

"Goddamnit, Jim," Bones mutters before pulling out his medical equipment. Thank goodness he thought to bring the entire emergency kit dedicated to Jim. He pulls out an oxygen mask and places it around Jim's nose and mouth, sealing it.

He needs to get Jim's blood pressure to increase. Spock hands Bones the correct fluid hypo to inject into Jim's bloodstream. He then grabs the hypo meant to help with shock that Jim isn't allergic to. Thank goodness for modern medicine. He injects it into Jim, and waits the necessary 15 seconds before checking his vitals again.

"Bones?" Jim croaks before the 15 seconds is up. Jim's a lightweight, most drugs hit him hard and fast. It would only make sense that he'd accept it so quickly.

"Hey there kid. You with me?" Bones asks as he grabs his tricorder and starts scanning Jim. Jim nods. "You know, you could just make our shore leave easy and not need medical attention once I got here," Bones teases.

"Just keeping you on your toes, Bones," Jim tiredly responds as he looks at his best friends and his older brother. All with worried expressions on their faces. Sam's the first to respond.

"Glad you got yourself acquainted with the porcelain of the guest bathroom here, Jimbo." Jim huffs a laugh.

"You feelin' alright Jim?" Bones asks while reading the tricorder's results. His vitals are in a more stable range. He should be good with another dose of hypo in three hours.

"Just peachy, Bones," Jim says as he stands up swaying, only for Spock to steady him and lead him to the closed toilet to sit.

"You wanna tell me what caused neurogenic shock?" Dr. McCoy asks, all teasing gone. Jim sighs. He looks at the men in the room, as if deciding whether or not he really wants them to know.

"I saw Frank," he says, resigning himself to telling the truth. Bones' face drops.

"Jim, I do not understand your explanation. I would appreciate your elaboration," Spock says. Jim nods.

"Frank was Sam and mine's stepfather. He never really liked us. Winona left us with him, and she flew off to the stars for months at a time. He had to let his anger out somehow. He'd get drunk, and—and he'd threaten and yell at us. Then Sam left." Sam looks down, ashamed at what he did at the time. But he had to get out and there was no way he could support Jim too. Jim pauses, thinking the exact same thing. "And I wanted to prove that you could be a Kirk in that house. I took Dad's car and drove it into the ravine so that Frank couldn't sell it. Frank was mad. He was furious. Put on a show for the cops. Got beaten the worst that night." Jim winces in remembrance.

"Got beaten a lot over the next couple months until Winona came back. She didn't even know you left, Sam. She saw my bruises and she sent me to T— to another planet," Jim fixes, realizing that Sam doesn't know about Tarsus IV. "She thought I needed to be 'fixed' or whatever. Cam back and had to live with Frank again. He was worse then. I finally left a few years after that." Jim looks up to the men in the room, all stunned by his confession, except for Bones, he knew for a while now.

"Damn, Jim. I didn't know he was beating you too." Sam says.

"Wait, he was abusing you and you didn't say anything?" Bones asks, bewildered.

"I did. No one believed me. I thought you were safe, Jim. I'm so sorry," Sam says, casting his crestfallen face downward.

"It's fine, Sam."

"The hell it is, Jim! The man abused you for years while your mother neglected you! In no way is that 'fine'," Bones erupts, and Jim flinches away. "Sorry, kid." Jim just nods, accepting the apology. Spock's eyebrows raise at the doctor's loss of control. If he should continue to do so, it would be detrimental to Jim's mental health.

"Jim," Spock interjects. "I do not understand. You have never mentioned this before."

"It's not something I like to share or think about, Spock." He nods in acceptance of the explanation.

"I am sorry for you, Jim," Spock says, bewildering Jim. Spock showing such emotion? Must be one crazy day.

"Thanks Spock," Jim responds, his eyes drooping.

"Alright, let's get you to bed hotshot," Bones tells Jim. Bed sounds awesome. He's so tired. He'd like to sleep as long as he can.

"Thanks guys," Jim says as they guide him to the guest bedroom.

"Anytime Jim," Sam says. And Jim's happy to say that he actually believes his brother this time.

 **Woa. I finally finished it. Sorry about that. I had so many stories started** **but I lost interest in them half way through. And then I ran out of notebooks, so I had to find another one. But , I managed to pull this out! Yay! I wasn't sure whether to put this in _The Bathroom_ or make it its own story. So maybe I'll do a spinoff from this chapter. Who knows. **

**I'm thinking of either doing a Sick Spock chapter next or a de-aged Kirk. I'm happy to do both, so I'd like your inputs on what you want to see first. Please review and tell me what you thought!**

 **Love,  
Dopamine Lover**


End file.
